Emotional Safety and Discipline

One approach to children’s wrong-doing is to assign blame and to ensure punishment that deters future muck-ups.  This process of identifying the responsible one and penalizing their actions seems logical. Kids mature quicker socially when they learn to take responsibility for their actions. In addition, if their poor choices have costly consequences, then it seems reasonable that the child would think twice before making the same mistake. Although, this discipline approach is based on fear. If it works to deter poor behaviour it is not because the child understands or desires to do good. The child may only be motivated to avoid punishment. Parenting and criminal law have adopted this method for centuries. In a short-sighted world this approach appears to work to some degree. When looking at the bigger picture, it’s failings are hard to ignore. The penal systems are overflowing and with many repeat offenders. The same can be said about certain disciplinary styles for children, the simplistic approach of blame and punish is short sighted and results in unwise choices, unfortunately being recycled.
We all have our own unique definitions of what it means to discipline, and to punish. Possibly the reason why our criminal system and parental disciplinary approaches fail is that we do not address the offender’s or child’s needs. Why do so many kids fall into patterns or negative cycles where they repeat limiting behaviours again and again? It is easy to assume that it is completely our little scallywag’s fault. However, if we want our children to change, we must change first. When parents can look at the whole child as opposed to just focussing on their infraction, if we can discern their needs, and help them to formulate their own solutions, then who is at fault is of little consequence. Shifting the focus from who is in error, to what is the opportunity, will empower children to have greater understanding, compassion, and motivation to right their wrongs, and to make better choices in the future.
A wholistic disciplinary approach has significant distinctions between consequences and punishments, and between assessing behaviour and blaming. When these distinctions are considered, some of the needs are met. I believe these needs are similar for children as they are for parents who are intent on improving their own behaviours, as we must engage in self-discipline to become better versions of ourselves.
For discipline to be a complete and effective process where the child is learning, taking responsibility, and making better choices, the following needs are important considerations.

1. The need for emotional safety, to be valued and loved.
2. The need for inclusion in the discipline process.
3. The need for understanding impacts, options, and choices.
4. The need to be coached equally about good and poor choices.

The need for emotional safety by children is influenced by their mental development, specifically their neurological wiring. Children’s mental wiring happens in stages, and it affects, among other things, their ability to comprehend or foresee behavioural outcomes. When an adult speeds in their vehicle and gets a traffic ticket, they generally can connect the dots regarding choices and consequences. However, children need more information, questions, and reflection time, and sometimes mental maturity to connect their actions to the resulting conclusions. There is considerable research * that indicates that youth do not have the neurological development to extrapolate certain behaviours or choices to their logical or likely outcomes. When parents find themselves saying, “what were you thinking?” to a teenager, this neurological disconnect can explain what seems like irrational behaviours. We can have more compassion knowing that their brain wiring is not as developed as ours. How many stories of our childhood are highlighted with that phrase, “What was I thinking?” As our brain matures, neurologically, emotionally, and with experience, we function with an eye to possible future consequences that guide our choices. Helping children to be thoughtful about cause and effect even if their brains are not yet capable of seeing the relationship is still vitally important. Though, expecting them to be able to recognize those relationships again in the future is perhaps unfair, depending on their development. The goal is not to coddle or shield them from natural consequences, it is about being patient and accepting of children which helps meets their need for emotional safety.
Teaching kids to play the ‘what if game’ helps children develop the process of being more responsible, and considerate in their decision making. Tell them it is a game parents play all the time. If I am driving too close to the car in front of us, will I have time to stop? If I am late for work, what are the possible repercussions? Adults do predictive assessments, like ‘the what if game’, on an ongoing basis. When a child is doing something intelligent and kind, or selfish and inconsiderate, play ‘the what if game’ with them. If you keep helping your baby sister with her homework, what is likely to happen? If you yell at her or make fun of your sister, embarrassing her in front of others, how will she feel, and how will it impact your relationship? These types of questions help children to predict how their behaviour, affects others and themselves, whether well intentioned or not. Keep in mind that sometimes the child is neurologically unable to connect on their own, the ripple effect of their choices. Parents who are patient, calm, and understanding will be able to help kids connect the dots through thought exploration, by asking questions and providing alternate perspectives. ‘The what if game’ creates a pause for the child to put a halt to impulsive actions, and when played together by parent and child, it provides for their need to be included in the disciplinary process.
 Blaming children for not being able to think like an adult, creates anxiety and self doubt. As youngsters we didn’t know why our brains abandoned us occasionally, even though the right course of action seems so obvious to us in hindsight. Children don’t know what they don’t know. Knowledge, common sense, foresight, wisdom, are all gained through the process of living and growing. It is common when parents are afraid for their child’s safety, or when we are angry about their ignorance, that we forget they are children. Knowing that kids will be kids, is not a reason to forsake discipline, it is however, a call to coach the whole child, to discipline in loving ways, through addressing their needs.
Other aspects of ensuring emotional safety are to discipline without losing connection. Children need to know, especially when they mess up, that they are still valued, loved, and treated with respect. All to often when parents discipline, they take the child’s misbehaviour personally. We get upset with them along with being frustrated over their behaviour. The child and the mistake get lumped together; bad judgement can be interpreted by the child as they are a bad kid. Unfortunately, what adds insult to injury is that many parents discipline with an emotional charge. We may withhold our affection, play the cold shoulder routine to punish them without realizing it’s numbing effects. If we want the child to be able to focus on learning from their mistakes, taking responsibility, and when possible, making amends, they can not be saddled with loss of our love and guilt over their poor judgement. Children can handle parents’ disapproval of their inappropriate behaviours if they still feel loved and acceptance. So, we must keep a loving intention present through times of discipline, even if we are upset. Make reassuring eye contact, get down to their level physically, on one knee, use touch and hugs to connect during stressful discussions. Ensure the child is being asked lots of questions rather than being lectured to. Include them in the learning process, and in the development of consequences, which builds trust, self-esteem, and competencies in self regulation. Children will also be more open to receiving discipline if they are equally coached and recognized when they are behaving well as opposed to only being coached for their failures. Celebrate and honor even the smallest of achievements. Acknowledge their efforts and build upon their understandings of wise choices and actions. All these considerations greatly address children’s needs, emotional safety and the love that makes discipline a gift from you to your child.