Socializing is often dominated with talking with only partial listening. We talk to express our thoughts, to create a connection and to make an impression. We have conversations to gather information, to learn, to introduce an opinion or sway someone towards our point of view. If we are not too preoccupied by our own successes and problems, we can do more than just listen, we can read the other person. Like a good story, many interesting clues lie between the lines. Reading people is a fabulous talent, an art form that can endear us to our friends and family. They feel special in our presence because we really understand them. It is an appreciation for subtle interaction where the communicator is also heard for what they are not saying. Facial expressions, body language, tuning into true intentions, surmising the deeper meaning, requires intent listening, observing, and most of all, caring. Sometimes people’s words are not congruent with what their face is saying, or their gestures are not matching the message. Generally, people don’t wish to offend, are fearful of disapproval from their peers, and generally want to please. This leads to mixed messages where real objectives or preferences are hidden behind communication that is designed to help them avoid judgement and to fit in.
To read another person is to empathize with them emotionally and to discern the truth as best we can. To connect deeply with others requires less talk and more listening, or more precisely, greater mindfulness in our interactions. We do not need to become experts in micro expressions, however, we can increase our awareness to learn more about someone than merely taking their verbal communication at face value. Many of us aspire to be an outstanding friend or parent, who really gets what’s going on, who is approachable, trustworthy, and unconditionally loving. Therefore, when someone is sharing, let’s apply effort into unpacking the whole message. People, it seems, are communicating, even when they are not talking. Having someone who is receptive to us and who listens beyond our words is a huge support. How do we lend that support so that others will trust us, encouraging a more authentic interaction?
When people are feeling emotionally safe, they are more willing to risk, to reveal the layers of complexity that is their story. It takes thoughtfulness on our part to provide others the sense that they can trust us, a compelling message that they are safe in our company. It is the little things that we do and don’t do that encourages people to be themselves, to feel included, accepted and valued. It is wonderful, relaxing, and exciting at the same time when we have that kind of faith in another person. To feel you can be honest, open, and behave in accordance with who you truly are is a gift. Sharing with someone who reads you well, who cares to understand you, not to find fault and judge, but to empathize and connect is an uplifting experience. It is a rare, and unexpected opportunity, that we can strive to provide. However, if the other person has been hurt too many times, they may still choose to be reserved. Be patient, it is a gift that must be unwrapped when and if they are ready.
Besides being mindful, observant, and kind during conversations, the first impression often dictates whether this is to be a normal social exchange or something special. Being relaxed, honest, and concerned in the well-being of others, opens the door to conversations that we will fondly remember. Lighting up, displaying warmth, showing enthusiastic interest from the first moments of an encounter is key. Imagine being greeted by your pet after a long absence. From the tip of their cold nose to the wagging of their tail, a dog oozes delight. Obviously, their listening skills and acceptance are second to none. We immediately sense their happiness, just because we showed up. There is no judgement, no hoop to jump through, no need to impress, to be someone or something else. It is complete joy for our existence, and it feels good. Even when we are down, our pet will be persistently affectionate and undeterred by our negative mood. We are too valuable to be dismissed for being upset or indifferent. We are so important that our aloofness and even our actions of rejection, will not stop the love that they have for us. If we want people to feel safe and loved in our presence, we would do well to learn unconditional love from our four-legged friends. To foster impeccable listening, reading, and connection, here are some basic dos and don’ts.

Do's
Don’ts

• Be honest and open
• Be interested in what drives others and what holds them back
• Accept people for who they are
• Respect everyone, it is not about condoning their beliefs or actions, it is about being kind
• Listen more than you talk
• Be compassionate and practice empathy
• Be calm and loving especially when others are fearful
• Paraphrase often
• Ask lots of questions
  

Don’ts

• Judge
• Don’t confuse your opinion with what’s right for others
• Be overly critical
• Pass on painful emotions to others
• Be content with small talk, risk discussions about important issues
• Jump to conclusions or make decisions on assumptions
• Take comments personally, chances are it is not about you

 

One approach to children’s wrong-doing is to assign blame and to ensure punishment that deters future muck-ups.  This process of identifying the responsible one and penalizing their actions seems logical. Kids mature quicker socially when they learn to take responsibility for their actions. In addition, if their poor choices have costly consequences, then it seems reasonable that the child would think twice before making the same mistake. Although, this discipline approach is based on fear. If it works to deter poor behaviour it is not because the child understands or desires to do good. The child may only be motivated to avoid punishment. Parenting and criminal law have adopted this method for centuries. In a short-sighted world this approach appears to work to some degree. When looking at the bigger picture, it’s failings are hard to ignore. The penal systems are overflowing and with many repeat offenders. The same can be said about certain disciplinary styles for children, the simplistic approach of blame and punish is short sighted and results in unwise choices, unfortunately being recycled.
We all have our own unique definitions of what it means to discipline, and to punish. Possibly the reason why our criminal system and parental disciplinary approaches fail is that we do not address the offender’s or child’s needs. Why do so many kids fall into patterns or negative cycles where they repeat limiting behaviours again and again? It is easy to assume that it is completely our little scallywag’s fault. However, if we want our children to change, we must change first. When parents can look at the whole child as opposed to just focussing on their infraction, if we can discern their needs, and help them to formulate their own solutions, then who is at fault is of little consequence. Shifting the focus from who is in error, to what is the opportunity, will empower children to have greater understanding, compassion, and motivation to right their wrongs, and to make better choices in the future.
A wholistic disciplinary approach has significant distinctions between consequences and punishments, and between assessing behaviour and blaming. When these distinctions are considered, some of the needs are met. I believe these needs are similar for children as they are for parents who are intent on improving their own behaviours, as we must engage in self-discipline to become better versions of ourselves.
For discipline to be a complete and effective process where the child is learning, taking responsibility, and making better choices, the following needs are important considerations.

1. The need for emotional safety, to be valued and loved.
2. The need for inclusion in the discipline process.
3. The need for understanding impacts, options, and choices.
4. The need to be coached equally about good and poor choices.

The need for emotional safety by children is influenced by their mental development, specifically their neurological wiring. Children’s mental wiring happens in stages, and it affects, among other things, their ability to comprehend or foresee behavioural outcomes. When an adult speeds in their vehicle and gets a traffic ticket, they generally can connect the dots regarding choices and consequences. However, children need more information, questions, and reflection time, and sometimes mental maturity to connect their actions to the resulting conclusions. There is considerable research * that indicates that youth do not have the neurological development to extrapolate certain behaviours or choices to their logical or likely outcomes. When parents find themselves saying, “what were you thinking?” to a teenager, this neurological disconnect can explain what seems like irrational behaviours. We can have more compassion knowing that their brain wiring is not as developed as ours. How many stories of our childhood are highlighted with that phrase, “What was I thinking?” As our brain matures, neurologically, emotionally, and with experience, we function with an eye to possible future consequences that guide our choices. Helping children to be thoughtful about cause and effect even if their brains are not yet capable of seeing the relationship is still vitally important. Though, expecting them to be able to recognize those relationships again in the future is perhaps unfair, depending on their development. The goal is not to coddle or shield them from natural consequences, it is about being patient and accepting of children which helps meets their need for emotional safety.
Teaching kids to play the ‘what if game’ helps children develop the process of being more responsible, and considerate in their decision making. Tell them it is a game parents play all the time. If I am driving too close to the car in front of us, will I have time to stop? If I am late for work, what are the possible repercussions? Adults do predictive assessments, like ‘the what if game’, on an ongoing basis. When a child is doing something intelligent and kind, or selfish and inconsiderate, play ‘the what if game’ with them. If you keep helping your baby sister with her homework, what is likely to happen? If you yell at her or make fun of your sister, embarrassing her in front of others, how will she feel, and how will it impact your relationship? These types of questions help children to predict how their behaviour, affects others and themselves, whether well intentioned or not. Keep in mind that sometimes the child is neurologically unable to connect on their own, the ripple effect of their choices. Parents who are patient, calm, and understanding will be able to help kids connect the dots through thought exploration, by asking questions and providing alternate perspectives. ‘The what if game’ creates a pause for the child to put a halt to impulsive actions, and when played together by parent and child, it provides for their need to be included in the disciplinary process.
 Blaming children for not being able to think like an adult, creates anxiety and self doubt. As youngsters we didn’t know why our brains abandoned us occasionally, even though the right course of action seems so obvious to us in hindsight. Children don’t know what they don’t know. Knowledge, common sense, foresight, wisdom, are all gained through the process of living and growing. It is common when parents are afraid for their child’s safety, or when we are angry about their ignorance, that we forget they are children. Knowing that kids will be kids, is not a reason to forsake discipline, it is however, a call to coach the whole child, to discipline in loving ways, through addressing their needs.
Other aspects of ensuring emotional safety are to discipline without losing connection. Children need to know, especially when they mess up, that they are still valued, loved, and treated with respect. All to often when parents discipline, they take the child’s misbehaviour personally. We get upset with them along with being frustrated over their behaviour. The child and the mistake get lumped together; bad judgement can be interpreted by the child as they are a bad kid. Unfortunately, what adds insult to injury is that many parents discipline with an emotional charge. We may withhold our affection, play the cold shoulder routine to punish them without realizing it’s numbing effects. If we want the child to be able to focus on learning from their mistakes, taking responsibility, and when possible, making amends, they can not be saddled with loss of our love and guilt over their poor judgement. Children can handle parents’ disapproval of their inappropriate behaviours if they still feel loved and acceptance. So, we must keep a loving intention present through times of discipline, even if we are upset. Make reassuring eye contact, get down to their level physically, on one knee, use touch and hugs to connect during stressful discussions. Ensure the child is being asked lots of questions rather than being lectured to. Include them in the learning process, and in the development of consequences, which builds trust, self-esteem, and competencies in self regulation. Children will also be more open to receiving discipline if they are equally coached and recognized when they are behaving well as opposed to only being coached for their failures. Celebrate and honor even the smallest of achievements. Acknowledge their efforts and build upon their understandings of wise choices and actions. All these considerations greatly address children’s needs, emotional safety and the love that makes discipline a gift from you to your child.

Creating and maintaining self-respect is a form of self-love that requires our attention on a consistent basis. Self-awareness is critical to our effectiveness, success, and well-being. Numerous studies indicate that students that score high on emotional intelligence tests, which in my belief relates directly to self-respect and self-love, are more successful in life. Research that I am familiar with indicates that students are happier, get higher grades, and go on to earn larger salaries as compared to their less aware counterparts. Hopefully developed inner awareness translates well to increased social awareness, thereby creating individuals that are more caring and engaged in activities that benefit others. The more we can assist our children to respect themselves, to like themselves, and to eventually love who they are, the greater will be their life experience.

One of the most powerful ways to accomplish this task is to model self-respect and love. Children will see and feel the confidence and clarity that emanates from your self-love. It will be a characteristic that they desire and they will witness how it provides quality and tranquility to their parent’s lives. No matter the age, hug and hold your children and tell them the truth. All beings are magnificent especially when they choose to be guided by their inner wisdom and love.

Let them know that growing self-respect and love is an inside job. Nobody can give you self-respect, or take it away, without your permission. Children should know that their true self-worth is not in their looks, intellect, clothes, or even in their friends. The true worth of a human being is in their own level of kindness, compassion, truth, integrity, and openness. Real confidence is in accepting oneself with all our strengths and all of our flaws. It is a knowing that we are all valuable and worthy for no other reason than we simply exist. Real confidence does not require achievements and accolades to give us reasons to accept and love who we are. There is nothing wrong with achievements or recognition; what hinders true confidence is our dependence on recognition for our achievements the attachment to acknowledgements that creates a tenuous confidence that exists and is maintained outside of ourselves. This external confidence is easily manipulated by others and by time itself. All the people in this world telling us how great we are, does not make us great. Only believing it ourselves, puts us in the emotional state where great self-worth and great deeds are possible.

Let’s teach our kids about negative or limiting language. Invite them to replace the “I can’t”, “I shoulda”, “I coulda”, “I woulda”, with language that empowers themselves and others. “I can”, “I am willing”, “I am doing”, are all ways to support oneself on our path of increasing our emotional intelligence.

When a child does something that is inappropriate, approach this opportunity for learning with questions that help the child to see how this behaviour impacts their self-image. For example, Justin is being rude to his sister. Instead of correcting the behaviour and creating a punishment, followed by a coerced apology. You could ask if this behaviour is showing self-respect? Are your actions displaying respect and love to your sister? Do you believe you will receive respect in return for disrespectful conduct? Then help the child to create new more respectful and empowering behaviours. If you are comfortable or are willing to stretch a little I encourage you to role model an example of alternate more positive actions to your children.

Parents can lead children to the water and encourage them to drink from the pool of their own wisdom. Typically, they will learn more deeply and effortlessly, when they participate in the learning process. Natural consequences can be a healthy follow up in this learning style of discipline and personal growth. This is a process of honoring the child’s emotional intelligence and seeking the more desirable behaviour from inside of them. If this concept of self-respect and self-love is going to positively impact all aspects of their lives, it will be learned more effectively and thoroughly if nurtured from within.

Namaste,
Chris